I wrote this a long time ago but I didn’t post it for the very reason that it is personal. I do not worry as much now, which is why I am posting it now. But everything I say still applies. Respect my wishes.
It’s times like this that I strongly dislike having people I know well read my blog. Strangers don’t judge you or treat you differently when they found out you’re a little more broken than you let on.
But I don’t care about that right now. This is my blog, therefore it is my life and my feelings that will be presented here.
Do not under any circumstances try and talk to me or message me about this post. I don’t want to talk to you about it. I do not want to know if you have read this or not. I am not writing it for anyone but myself; do not see it as a weakness.
Now, unto the sensitive subject of financial security or should I say insecurity. Growing up, I have always known the value of the pound, mainly because we were always counting them. I don’t know when exactly this began but I vaguely remember, one day we had money for every little thing I asked for, then the next day, mummy and daddy were saying no because they needed to pay the rent.
Listen, I would never ever complain about how much I have and I would never ever blame my parents or anyone. Because my family have made some crazy sacrifices for me. My parents are two of the most hard working individuals on the face of the planet. They have so many roles I literally have to take a breath before I begin to describe them. That’s one thing I got from them.
The perks of being financially insecure is that you learn how to do without. I could do without the latest stuff and I was fine. I still had friends. I still fitted in. How many kids nowadays can say that?! Another perk is that I knew how to stretch every pound and every penny’s worth. If you give me a fiver, I could come back with a multitude of treasures (I’m basically the glam version of a bargain hunter).
Since the age of twevle, I have been obsessed with the idea of getting a job. Looking back now, I realise that as much as I enjoyed hard work, it was also because I craved stability. Debt scares me, like crazy.
There are so many things about me and my background that people would never even realise because of the way I carry myself. I am not my problems or struggles. I am Paula; a strong woman who works so hard for everything she has and therefore deserves them.
This post isn’t going to change my life or change who I am. But this post is helping me to accept who I am and to remind me why it is I work so hard.